Compared with litigation, the collaborative process is generally a less contentious, more constructive way to arrive at a divorce agreement and/or a child custody agreement. Because of its non-adversarial nature, the collaborative process helps parties lay the groundwork for more successful co-parenting and more productive communication on matters impacting their children in the years following the divorce.
How does the collaborative process help set the stage for more positive co-parenting?
By choosing the collaborative process, parties are affirmatively choosing to try to work with each other to be good parents, put their children at the center of their decision-making, make choices that avoid or mitigate emotional and psychological harm to each other and the children, and operate in good faith. Throughout the collaborative process, divorcing spouses are able to communicate what their interests and concerns are with the help of the professional team, which includes a parenting or divorce coach. This individual is often a clinical psychologist or other mental health professional who has been trained in the collaborative divorce process. The coach helps the parties create a parenting plan in addition to helping divorcing spouses effectively communicate and hear the interests of the other spouse. By going through the collaborative process, the parties learn methods for having difficult conversations in more constructive ways. The parenting coach helps the parties develop tools to communicate amicably and civilly with the other co-parent and to develop options for resolving an issue. The parenting coach does not make decisions, but facilitates conversations and provides education about child development as needed.
By laying the groundwork for a more positive co-parenting relationship, the goal is that parents will have the tools they need to communicate more constructively after the divorce is final and the professionals go away. But a co-parenting relationship is a living, breathing thing that evolves over time as circumstances change. If the co-parents experience a rough patch in the future, they will have their coach – a known mental health professional – to turn to, since they have already established a relationship with the parenting coach. Parents may need to consult the parenting coach because they have questions about how to address issues that arise with their children, such as a new physical or mental health diagnosis. Parenting plans are created at a certain stage of life, and as kids get older and their activities change or parents move to a new location, whether due to a new job or relationship, the parenting plan may need to be adjusted. Laying the groundwork for productive communication during the divorce process and being able to return to a known professional to discuss time-sensitive, emergent issues can help co-parents navigate bumps in the road more productively.
After the divorce, what systems should co-parents have in place to ensure successful communication and collaboration?
After the divorce is final, there will be fewer topics that you and your former spouse will need to discuss. Agreeing to limit your communication to matters that impact your children can help keep things on a smoother path. Communications should be brief, informative, friendly and firm (BIFF). Use short, declarative statements to share information, without ascribing motives or assumptions.
To cut down on the potential for arguments, agree to use written communication, such as email, for day-to-day matters, which provides clarity and a record of the communication. For instance, “Jake’s soccer game was canceled” or “Jane has a fever, so I am picking her up from school now.”
There are apps available to help streamline your communications. For instance, using a shared calendar, such as Google, for the parenting schedule and the children’s activities, such as sports practices, school events and doctor’s appointments, puts all the information in one place, where it can be accessed by both you and your spouse, regardless of who schedules an event, to limit unnecessary discussions or misunderstandings.
A clear method for tracking expenses can also forestall potentially heated discussions about money. Some couples use SplitWise, a free peer-to-peer app for cost-sharing and reconciling payments. For shared expenses, you can input what percentage each party is responsible for, and the app will calculate the costs for each person. tracking who has paid what and who still owes money.
Some parents use OurFamilyWizard, a co-parenting app that allows you to streamline your parenting schedule, shared expenses and written communications all in one place, but there is a cost involved.
When automated systems are used for communication about day-to-day matters, you can reserve your verbal conversations for more important or emergent matters, such as rules about your child’s technology use, whether your child should be in therapy or whether your child is ready to drive.
It is also advisable that your divorce or child custody agreement include a plan for how any future disputes will be resolved. The agreement can require that, before one party can file a motion with the court (except for emergency motions), they first try a specified method of alternate dispute resolution, such as meeting with a mediator or co-parenting counselor to discuss their options for resolving the matter.
Contact an Experienced Attorney
The collaborative divorce attorneys at Hartford law firm Ruel Ruel Burns Feldman & Britt have navigated a broad range of complex divorces and child custody matters in Connecticut, allowing for knowledgeable and compassionate representation. We understand this is a stressful time for you, and we are here to support you through all stages of the process. Contact Ruel Ruel Burns Feldman & Britt to discuss collaborative divorce or another family law matter. Call 860-206-9096 or click here.